Identity Crisis

Being Gay is a sexuality, it’s not the way that a person carries themselves or their personality.

A college student who goes by the name of Davy had some trouble growing up trying to figure out who he was and he faced a lot of obstacles along the way, bullying was the main thing that he had to deal with.

“In middle school, I was bullied a lot because I was overweight, I was always the big kid in my class so kids would make fun of me and call me fat all the time.”

Going through middle and high school was really hard for him, he was continuously bullied. He went through a lot within these years, but he eventually learned to overcome them.

“Going through middle and high school was probably one of the hardest times in my life and it really influenced who I am today” With all the bullying throughout middle and high school, he became depressed and suffered from eating disorders.

“There was a point where it got to me and I went into a mini-state of depression. All of that eventually led to my conflicts and battles with eating disorders such as bulimia and anorexia.”

He decided to lose the weight in hopes that if he wasn’t fat anymore then maybe people would stop bullying him. “I was obese, I weighed 200 pounds at age 12 and I was hella short so I literally looked like the Pillsbury dough boy. People would make fun of me and call me tubby, fatty, and the fat fagot and it would really hurt my feelings a lot. I had lost all of my weight the summer of my 7th grade year and I just had this feeling that if I'm not fat anymore that people would stop bullying me but it didn't stop, I kept getting bullied but no longer for being fat but people started calling me a fagot or saying “oh he’s so gay” when all I was doing was being myself, I didn’t even know what gay meant.”

It was bad enough that he was being bullied for being fat then he loses the weight and people found something else to call him but on top of that, he had to find some way to cope with it all. “Not only did I lose all of my weight in an unnatural way, but I also began falling into depression and I started cutting myself on my arms, wrists, thighs, and even on my back just to cope with this struggle that I was facing.” Words hurt, sometimes people don’t realize that the things they say to people can really affect them a lot. Sometimes, peoples, words can affect a person in a good way or in a bad way, here’s how people's words affected Davy. “I was bullied and called gay by a lot of people, whether it was my actions just walking; the way I sat, talked, stood, and the way I spoke. For me, the things I did were normal to me, for people to say that was gay it really took a huge toll on me. I had no idea that what people were calling me was going to be something that was going to empower me today.”

In eighth grade, he dated a girl, she was his best friend and he really loved her. But even being with a girl it didn’t make things stop, people still continued to call him gay. No matter what he did or who he was with, people would always see him as gay.

“People still continued to insist that I was gay even though I was dating a girl. They would say things like it doesn’t matter if he has a girlfriend, he's still gay and he's still going to be that stupid fat faggot that we know him as.”

Davy’s relationship with his girlfriend didn’t last long. Between how abusive she was and the fact that people still continued to bully him while he was dating her.

“My relationship went from being something sweet, genuine, pure, and a discovery of my sexuality into something that was now an abusive relationship. My girlfriend was so annoyed that people would call me gay while I was dating her that she would beat me when I would do something gay. She would cut and beat on me, I remember coming home one day with bruises on my arms because she hit me too hard because she thought I was sitting too femininely. The way that she treated me hurt me a lot and in a way, I think it is what contributed to me coming out.”

Davy thinks that the way he discovered his sexuality was wrong, that it didn’t feel natural but pressured. He felt that he didn’t get to make up his own mind about his sexuality, everyone always called him gay before he even knew that he was gay or what gay was.

“It was tough because I feel like I would have explored this realm of homosexuality on my own but the way that it went about was very manufactured and pressured. People telling me every day that I’m something that I don’t even know that I am hurt so much and it made me feel insecure about who I was as a person. I knew what I was and what I liked and I wanted to explore that but people just kept on pushing me and pushing me to feel this way when I wasn’t even comfortable with it yet.”

All of that was just middle school, a lot for a kid to go through in just middle school right? Well, now we move onto high school.

“I was in an abusive relationship until the end of my freshman year about to enter my sophomore year. She cheated on me with my best friend and then broke up with me.”

This relationship took a huge toll on Davy, it got to the point where he was ready to kill himself.

“After this relationship, I wanted to kill myself because I didn’t know what to do. People were just going to keep bullying me for being gay and now because I was alone. People just wouldn’t stop and I didn’t know what to do.”During his freshman year, he almost took his life. He was so stressed, confused, and tired of people bullying him. He didn’t know what to do anymore.

“My freshman year, I almost took my life because I didn’t know who or what I could love because I didn’t even know what my sexuality was. People were just telling me, “oh you’re gay, you’re gay” and I didn’t want to admit it to myself.”

After two abusive relationships, Davy got into another relationship but this time it was with a male and not a female. With the first girl that he dated, he loved her but was never in love with her. This guy that he got into a relationship with was the first person that he fell in love with.  “My first boyfriend was the first person I ever fell in love with. He was the first person to not abuse me or make me feel unloved or unworthy of love. I met him my sophomore year of high school and I fell for him so hard. He awoke feelings in me that I never felt before, both sexually and emotionally.”

For Davy, with this guy, everything just felt right. Even though things felt right, doesn’t mean that everything was alright. But again there were problems in Davy’s relationship, his relationship with this guy was toxic.  “I felt like it was the right thing to do, to love myself and be confident in who I was and what I liked and he was the person to help me realize that. Even though I felt so strongly about him, he and I had a lot of problems. I called him my boyfriend because he was the first guy that I had ever loved, that's why I call him my boyfriend but he never really was my boyfriend. It was a very toxic relationship, it may not have been like my first two relationships with those girls where they physically and emotionally abused me. When I dated this guy it was less physical but more psychological and emotional pain.”

Davy felt like he wasted his time with this guy, always wondering; “does he like me”, “will he like me”. His time wasn’t really wasted because without going through what he went through with this guy, he wouldn’t have finally realized who he is. “He had a boyfriend and I talked to him for two years, I wasted two years of my life on someone who didn't even like me back. He used me physically, he would tell me he loved me but looking back now I know that he didn’t. He wanted to use me for sex, my innocence, for my exploration of my sexuality, and I was dumb enough to let it happen but through all that, it helped me discover who I am as a human being. If I had not made those mistakes, I would not be where I am today and be this strong gay man that I am.” Junior year of high school, Davy found himself. He figured out what he wanted, he stopped listening to other people and he made up his mind for himself. After exploring both being in a straight and gay relationship, he now knew what he wanted.

“I find it easier to date a man because of the simplicity of the relationship, it is still the same dynamic. There's no worrying about getting him pregnant, or worrying about getting any sexually transmitted diseases like calamity. There are certain things that a gay couple benefits from than a heterosexual couple. For me, the benefits of being gay are that I feel like I thrive the most as a gay man.”

Now that he has figured out who he was, it was now time for him to come out to people. He came out first to his closest group of friends during his sophomore year.

“During my Sophmore year in high school, I came out to my closest group of friends. I told them that I'm gay and I’m proud to be gay, I cried so hard that day and they accepted me with open arms and love. All that was left to do was to tell my parents and for them to tell me that they love and accept me for who I am. I came out to my friends and a year later I tried to come out to my mom first.” It went well for Davy, it was all so easy when he came out to his friends. Coming out to his mom was much harder than you would have thought it would be. He tried coming out to her the beginning of his junior year. “You would think that because she's my mom that she would accept me but that's a lie. When I came out to my mom, she told me that I’d rather be dead then have to raise a faggot son so she got a knife from the kitchen and put it on her throat and threatened to frame her death on me if I were to ever say that I was gay to her again. I was 16 when I told her and to this day my parents still don't know that I'm gay because they don't want to love and accept me.”

Davy told his mother stories about when he was little, trying to convince her that he is gay and to show her that she should have noticed the signs when he was young.

“My mom says stuff like you were never gay, you were brainwashed into being gay by somebody who just wanted you to be gay. I told her you should have known when I was playing with your heels at age four that I was going to be gay, you should have known that at age eight and I asked for a Barbie doll instead of lightning Mcqueen that I was going to be gay but you are so in denial that you would rather let that make you hate your own son.”

After trying to come out to his mom, he then decided to try and come out to his dad. His dad just like his mom did not believe or did not want to believe that he was gay.

“My dad is a conspiracy theorist and he believes that social media and the media were pouring out crazy messages and poisonous gases in the air to make people gay, he also believes that the government takes kids at young ages and brainwashes them into being gay. It wasn't the media, I believe that I was born this way and I came to this realization all on my own.”

Davy grew up in a Hispanic community and there was this huge pressure to live up to the macho strongly man that Hispanic men are. He never felt like he fit that image, He had to find an outlet, something to help him get through all of this.  “Music and academics have been my outlet to express myself, those outlets propelled me to go far in life. I've accomplished so much in my life, I have made all-state multiple times in high school for choir, I've placed top ten in my class, I have received academic and music awards throughout middle and high school.”

Davy went through so much over the years, but even through it all, he made his way. He was very brave and was a hard worker. He worked hard and got out of his hometown, the place where he really didn’t want to be. He received a full ride scholarship to college and with no ones help, he did it all on his own. He has made many friends while in college who he feels like are more like family to him. I’m so glad to have met and gone through my freshmen year of college with him. If anyone is going through the same thing or something similar I hope this story has helped you and just know that it gets better.